It doesn't matter the shape of the light...

... only that the light illuminate the path.

September, 2012 - St. Catherine's Church, Estes Park, CO  (Photo by Breanne Pye)

I often struggle with the difference between religion and spirituality. The distinction between the two is defined, debated and demonstrated with ferocity everywhere I look. It is debated by politicians on news channels I am required to monitor for my job. It is discussed amongst friends even in the most serene locations and situations. It is demonstrated with both absolute love and absolute hate in every country on earth.

But the biggest debate is between my own heart and my own head. As a Soldier... I know faith. I know my heavenly father is up there lighting a path for me to follow when I stray a little too far toward the shadow. I know he has kept me safe in impossibly dangerous situations. I know he watches over my fellow Soldiers and instills an unmatchable courage within their hearts as they follow paths few others will ever retrace.

I struggle to put that faith in context. I wasn't raised to be any particular religion. My father and mother were both incredibly vague in their instruction on faith and religion. They encouraged me to find my own path and to always follow my heart.

In high school, that path led me to be baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. All the strength, courage and discipline I possessed at the time came from my desire to follow the teachings of my church, which I believed with all my heart.

Without a doubt, the church was a light which illuminated a path FAR different than the path I would have taken. I know with absolute certainty, that light saved my life back then.

And then I started feeling things even the church couldn't explain... and worse... strongly condemned.

I didn't choose to be gay. I know that's a whole other debate in some folks' heads... but in my head, it's just a fact. At the height of my piousness, I fought with the heart of a lion to make my heart and my body fall in line with my religious beliefs. I prayed furiously to be scourged of such confusing and terrifying thoughts and feelings. I asked for blessings from my elders without ever explaining my struggle in hopes their healing hands could rid me of my demons.

In the long run, I suppose I figured out that, demons or no, my thoughts and feelings weren't going anywhere... a realization that demanded I step aside from my religion and begin the journey of learning how to be the most loving, joyful, spiritual soul I can manage in one lifetime.

These days, I try my best to always pay kindness forward. To always try to be the best ME possible even when I think no one is looking. To be a good leader and a positive role model to my Soldiers, who I identify so closely with as I watch them confront demons and struggles of their own.

I am always looking for the light. Walking straight toward the light. Praying the light will come when I am fumbling blind in the dark.

I fumble much more than I would like.

It still confuses me greatly... when I am alone in a quiet place and I think of the people who have had the strongest influence and impact on my life. A majority of them are strong in their LDS faith, which I continue to admire even though my light has led in a different direction.

What are your thoughts on this matter, friends? What do you think is the biggest difference between religion and spirituality?  Do you struggle with finding a balance? Or... are you happy with following whatever path your faith illuminates?

Today, for me at least... the light fell on my keyboard so that I could empty my doubt with aching fingers on a sharp white screen before all of you.

Hope this post finds each of you joyful, if nothing else.

~Bree

Wild

Thunder and lightening is making me feel WILD today ;)

What are YOU doing with the gifts the universe has given you today, friends?

~Bree

Recipe: Bacon-Wrapped Scotch Eggs with Hollandaise and Asparagus

Check out additional photos and the amazing original recipe on Peace + Love + Low Carb's blog!

INGREDIENTS:

**For the scotch eggs**

1 lb. Ground Sausage - (I used jimmy dean's ground sage or Italian sausage)

6 Slices of Thick Cut Bacon

6 Eggs

1 Cup Sharp Cheddar Cheese - Shredded

***Optional***

1 Bunch of Asparagus - about 20 pieces

3 Green Onions

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400*

Boil eggs in salted water - I like my eggs soft boiled. I wait until the water is at a full rolling boil and then boil to eggs for 4-5 minutes.  This gives them enough time for the eggs to be firm enough to wrap the sausage around. Let cool and peel.

Divide the sausage into six even portions and flatten them into patties

Layer cheese on top of each of the sausage patties.  Press down in the center to make a dip to hold the egg

Place an egg on top of each sausage patty and form the sausage around the egg until it completely covered

Place a cooling rack on top of a baking sheet and line your strips of bacon on it.  Place the eggs on the rack also.  Bake for 20 Minutes

Remove from oven and take the cooling rack off, place the asparagus down in the bacon drippings and replace the cooling rack on top.  Bake an additional 10-15 minutes

While your eggs and asparagus are in the oven the second time, prepare your hollandaise according to package directions or whichever recipe you are using.  

INGREDIENTS and DIRECTION for preparing the HOLLANDAISE SAUCE

Ingredients:

• 3 egg yolks
  
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne (optional)
• 10 tablespoons unsalted butter (if using salted butter, skip the added salt)

Directions:

1 Melt the butter slowly in a small pot. Try not to let it boil – you want the moisture in the butter to remain there and not steam away.
2 Add the egg yolks, lemon juice, salt and cayenne (if using) into your blender. Blend the egg yolk mixture at a medium to medium high speed until it lightens in color, about 20-30 seconds. The friction generated by the blender blades will heat the yolks a bit. The blending action will also introduce a little air into them, making your hollandaise a bit lighter.
3 Once the yolks have lightened in color, turn the blender down to its lowest setting (if you only have one speed on your blender it will still work), and drizzle in the melted butter slowly, while the blender is going. Continue to buzz for another couple seconds after the butter is all incorporated.
4 Turn off the blender and taste the sauce. It should be buttery, lemony and just lightly salty. If it is not salty or lemony enough, you can add a little lemon juice or salt to taste. If you want a thinner consistency, add a little warm water. Pulse briefly to incorporate the ingredients one more time.
Store until needed in a warm spot, like on or next to the stove-top. Use within an hour or so.

FINAL STEP!

Serve each scotch egg with 5 pieces of asparagus.  When the eggs come out, wrap them with bacon, top them with the hollandaise, garnish with green onions.  

SERVE AND ENJOY!!

Recipe: Chicken enchiladas with green chili sour cream sauce

Check out the ORIGINAL and DELICIOUS recipe on Joyful Momma's Kitchen Blog!

INGREDIENTS: 

10 soft taco shells
2 cups cooked, shredded chicken (I bought a rotisserie chicken from Safeway and shredded only the white meat.. which made exactly two cups!)
1 cup shredded Pepper Jack cheese
1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 stick of unsalted butter
1 stick of garlic herb butter
3 1/2 Tbsp. flour
2 cups chicken broth
1 cup sour cream
1 (4 oz) can diced green chillies (you can get hot OR mild chilies) 
2 ripe, medium avocados


INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9x13 pan
2. Mix chicken and 1 cup mixed cheese. Roll up in tortillas and place in pan.
3. In a sauce pan, melt butter, stir in flour and cook 1 minute. Add broth and whisk until smooth. Heat over medium heat until thick and bubbly.
4. Stir in sour cream and chilies. Do not bring to boil, you don't want curdled sour cream.
5. Pour over enchiladas and top with remaining cheese.
6. Bake 22 min and then under high broil for 3 min to brown the cheese. 
7. Cut avocado into thin slices to place on top of finished enchiladas

JOYFUL MOMMA'S ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: 

1. If you would like, you can substitute Greek yogurt for the sour cream in the recipe.  It is a 1 for 1 substitute.
2. If you cook your chicken first (rather than using a rotisserie chicken), you may wan to add some spices to give it extra flavor.  I like the chicken to have good flavor.  I tend to cook my chicken in the crock pot with some ground cumin, garlic powder, and ground black pepper.
3. You can make this ahead and keep it in the fridge up to 24 hours.  Just put it in the oven and increase the time a bit.  You will want to make sure they are heated through.
4. This sauce does not freeze well.  Then enchiladas themselves freeze really well.  I freeze a few pans of them double wrapped in foil and then I just make the sauce the day of.  Thaw them first, add the sauce, cook according to original instructions.

Recipe: Clam and Shrimp Boil!

Taken from bits and pieces of several other clam or shrimp boil recipes! Best ingredients are fresh, of course, but living in a land-locked state takes that option right out of the running!  Instead, try finding your seafood from your local grocery store like Safeway, Albertsons, etc. They put out fresh seafood ingredients every day and get rid of the old stuff.

Recipe: (serves 4)

About 15 peeled, uncooked shrimp

About 15 small steamer clams

Two ears of corn (cut each ear into three little pieces)

One bottle/can of a lager beer  (I actually used Becks)

Handful of colorful little potatoes (cut in half or quarters according to size)

1lb of smoked kielbasa (cut in one inch or so pieces)

3/4 cup of old bay seasoning (more or less to taste)

Brave pinch of cayenne pepper (more or less to taste)

3 cloves of freshly minced garlic (more or less to taste)

Sea-salt and fresh ground to taste

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Bring a large pot of water to boil with the bottle of beer, old bay seasoning, cayenne pepper, fresh minced garlic, salt and pepper.  

2. Put the potatoes and corn in the pot and boil about 10 minutes.  

3. Next place the kielbasa in the pot and boil another 7-8 minutes.  

4. Place the clams in and boil another 5 minutes.

5. Finally place the shrimp in the pot and boil until the shrimp is pink and potatoes and corn should be tender.  

6. READY TO ENJOY!

When serving add more seasoning (old bay, salt/pepper to taste) serve with toasted garlic bread and melted butter. (I used one stick of unsalted butter and one stick of garlic herb butter to dip my seafood into)

The end of a volume... but not the end.

(U.S. Army photo illustration by Sgt. Breanne Pye)

March 27, 2012:

I didn't know what to think this morning when my Brigade Surgeon called an impromptu meeting with me.

"I'll see you at 1300, kiddo," he said.

That should have been my first clue. Since when does a U.S. Army Major call a 32 yr. old  Sergeant 'kiddo'?

I didn't take a lunch today. Too much weighing on my mind. What was this about? My first thought was that I was caught trying to care about someone again. In the Army, a specific meeting time generally mean's you've seriously fucked up. And for me, that usually means I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut when something is weighing on my mind.

I looked at the clock constantly. I texted my friends furiously to keep my mind off the looming appointment.

12:30 came and went.

12:45 came and went.

12:50 came and went.

Lots of time to think about all the things that make me love my job, this lifestyle, and the uniform I wear with pride every day.

12:55 came and went. I had a feeling I should brace myself.

1300.

I walked down the hallway of my Brigade toward Doc's office... the same hallway I've walked down hundreds of times every day since the day I came to 1st Brigade Combat Team... "Raider" Brigade, more than 3 years ago.

As I walk down the hallway, I see my passion everywhere. Large, poster sized pictures of Soldiers working on M2A2 Bradley Fighting Vehicles, pictures I've taken of my comrades and their friends, enjoying a cool lunch break in the Camp Nathan Smith Dining Facility in Afghanistan... Pictures of combat patrols, award ceremonies, brigade-sized formations, fundraisers, military balls, homecomings, MAT-Vs speeding across the unforgiving landscape of Afghanistan, helicopters sending one of our wounded Soldiers to the only shot they have at surviving.

 (U.S. Army photo illustration by Sgt. Breanne Pye)

Pictures of too many flags draped across too many metal caskets of men I loved fiercely... on their way home for the last time. The last snap shot their families, friends and fellow Soldiers would ever see.

(U.S. Army photo illustration by Sgt. Breanne Pye)



 Pictures of young American men and women in uniform training young Afghan men to defend and protect their country.

(U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Breanne Pye)


I walk a few more steps.


My news articles are framed on the walls of every Battalion in this Brigade. Nearly every section has an article I've written or a photo I've taken of one of their amazing Soldiers. Proudly tacked to cubicle walls, or tactfully displayed as a screen saver on their work computers.

It feels like history. My history. OUR history. Something important that I've dedicated my life to. People I love that I have cried with, laughed with, FOUGHT with, thrived with.

(Photo by David Bowering)

Doc is waiting for me at the door to his office. He smiles at me, opens the door, and motions for me to come in and have a seat.

When I walk in, my breath catches.

More pictures.

Pictures of broken feet, broken fingers, broken legs, a broken arm, and a broken nose...

Pictures of my back.

A kaleidoscope of electromagnetic radiation photos that document another part of my history.

I breathe out, and look at Doc. He smiles at me... his eyes are watery. We've been through hell together. He's fought valiantly for my right to continue to wear this uniform. He's always been on my side. He's always believed in me when I told him I can still do this.

"I know you're not one for beating around the bush," he says. "But I need you to hear me out."

For over an hour he talks to me about my history. He meticulously documents every broken bone, every ER visit and every bizarre illness I've had in the 4 and a half years I've been back in this uniform. He spells out every detail. He compares each individual injury to a case that resulted in the end of a Soldier's career.

"I have to spell it out for you because I know you," he says. "For months, I've been waiting for you to realize that if you continue to push through all of this, there won't be anything left of you to push with."

There is a moment of silence. My face gets hot. I feel the tears coming from somewhere I thought they would be safe, and distant.

"I know you well enough to realize that you're never going to admit it's time to tap out," he said. "Because I care about you, I'm tapping out for you."

I wait for the hammer to fall.

"Tomorrow, at 1300, I'm starting the paperwork for your medical discharge," he says.

There's no stopping the tears now. I think about the pictures I passed in the hallway. I think about the faces of all the people I love and respect, staring at me from the walls on my way to this devastating meeting.

"You can't do it anymore," he tells me. "If you keeps this up, your back is just going to snap someday."

I sink, heavily, into a chair that appears beside me.

"You're 32 years old, Sergeant Pye," he says. "If I send you to a medical board now, you get out of the Army at the pinnacle of your success."

"You're a big deal right now," he says. "You are going to have people knocking down your door for a shot at hiring you."

He tells me he knows I can tough it out for a year, or two or five... but in the long run, I'm going to come out the other side of this so broken I won't be able to lift a camera.

I know he's right, so I don't say anything. Every moment that passes, I just feel more and more embarrassed because the tears will NOT stop.

Silence, and then I find my words again.

"I hiked over 13 miles this weekend, Sir."

I don't know what else to say.

"If you trust me, you'll hike a thousand times that in years to come," he says, then hugs me.

It's over now, and I know I literally don't have a leg to stand on.  He explains what is going to happen in the days and months to come. He tells me all the reasons he MUST do this, as my doctor. He tells me about all the benefits I'm going to get, as a condition of my medical discharge.

"This is only the end of one volume, Sergeant Pye," he says. "But it's not the end. I can't wait to see your pictures in National Geographic."

I smile on the outside, but on the inside, that only makes it worse.

"You're going to be a big deal," he says as he shows me to the door. "I have absolutely no doubt about that."

On my way out, I walk a little slower. Most of my fellow Soldiers have never seen me cry. The pictures on the wall are glaring at me now. Because now, they really are history.

"At least I've left my mark," I think
to myself. "At least they won't forget my name."

(Photos by David Bowering)